Dear Nigel, Red, and Rockgut: The List
by NigelTux
Summary: The Rule for the uncontrollable trio.
1. 1-16

1. I am not allowed to switch occupations with my Arch Nenemis.

2. I am not allowed to bust into the Commander's office and make out on his desk. Especially if he is in his office at the time.

3. Nigel and Rockgut are forbidden from giving "The Talk" to anyone for any reason.

4. I am not allowed to wear leather pants and a leather collar to important meetings I shouldn't even be at.

5.I must remember that there has not nor ever will be a Villain-Agent Sleepover at MI6 HeadQuarters for a reason.

6. Prank calling Count Victor von Sova ends well for no one.

7. NO ONE is allowed to leave Red alone with the Queen again.

8. The next person to tell Red something is impossible will be thrown out a window. You should know by now that Red follows no one's laws.

9. Never tell Red to 'get a life'. He'll get one alright: Your's.

Despite really needing one, Red is not allowed within a hundred feet of a therapist. On a side note, if anyone sees Dr. Jackson please bring him to his session with Dr. Richard.

11. Red is not 'The Supreme Commander of All Evil'. Stop telling the newbie agents that if they defeat him in combat they'll automatically become The Commander. The Medbay is already filled with those who tried.

12. I will stop telling the probies that they will have to chose one of them to be a him an sacrifice by Christmas. We do not do human sacrifices.

13. Red is Penguin Enemy Number One. He cannot join The Royal Gaurd even if the Queen wants him to.

14. Rockgut is not allowed to try blowing up people who stare at Red and Nigel a little too long for your liking.

15. Nigel is not to complain if Red burns down his garden after listening to a ten hour rant on different types of Doilies. You had it coming.

16. I am not allowed to dye the MI6 uniforms neon pink with glittery sparkles. The point of the uniforms are NOT to draw attention.


	2. 17-44

17. Red and Buck are no longer allowed near new recuits. Red shouldn't have been near them in the first place.

18. It's not a good idea to tell anyone that Count Victor von Sova, Buck Rockgut, or Red is your role model. All of them are proven legally insane.

19. You may not create mythical creatures just to prove you can. On a side note, would someone get the unicorn out of my office.

20. Red is forbidden to invite anyone to dinner at Savio's. Anyone who accepts such an offer has a 98% chance of being that night's dinner.

21. NO ONE is allowed to throw Red into the deep end of a pool. This is for everyone's safety as Red cannot swim and has vengeanceful lovers, who WILL hunt you down.

22. Just because they cannot understand Russian does not mean you can insult them to their faces. No, making them turn around does not mean you can continue insulting them.

a). Insulting them in German doesn't make it better.

b). Nor French

c). Especially not in English

d). Look, just stop insulting them

23. Whoever thought it was a good idea to leave impressionable children alone with Red will be shot. I now have to explain to all their parents why exactly their children want to be the next Penguin Enemy Number One.

24. Painting a target on yourself is NEVER a good idea. Especially if you plan to run through the target range.

25. Rockgut is to stop punting people who annoy you out glass windows. Especially if you have not opened the window before punting them.

26. Red and Q are to never be left unsupervised together in a lab again. How you two survived that explosion at point-blank range is beyond me.

27. Rockgut is to stop running off to places that do not exist. Red and Nigel are getting tired of hunting him down and do not find it amusing.

28. The Midnight Raves are to stop immediately. Some of us would actually like to sleep.

29. You are not allowed to randomly bust onto song for any reason. We don't need any further proof of your lack of sanity.

30. Despite how well he wears it, Red is not allowed to wear a dress in public again. Nigel and Rockgut already have a list of men to kill for flirting with their 'girlfriend'.

31. Nigel and Rockgut are forbidden from killing anyone who flirted with Red while he was in a dress. Trust me, He's only interested in you two.

32. You are forbidden from acting out Romeo and Juliet ever again. They all die in the end. It did not end in a Three Way.

33. NO ONE is allowed to paint my office neon orange.

a). Nor yellow

b). No, that does not mean to paint it neon pink

c). My office doe not need to be repainted to 'bring more life to it'. I liked it the way it was.

34. Red is to stop randomly kidnapping people because you were lonely.

a). You are to stop kidnapping Q every chance you get.

b). Kidnapping the Queen causes mass panic. Even if she agreed to go with you.

35. Red is to stop sending the Russian Assembly stuffed animals immediately.

36. No one is allowed to clone Red without his permission. He almost had a heart attack at seeing what he thought was his dead twin brother walking around.

a). Just because you didn't know Red had a twin does not make it right. You still should have asked.

b). One Red is more than enough. What could have possible possessed you to want another?

37. Count Victor von Sova and Red do not teach Evil Laughter Classes in my office.

b). Count Victor von Sova and Red do not teach Evil Laughter Classes in Q's lab.

c). There are no Evil Laughter Classes, so neither should be teaching it. I find myself worried that my Agents are asking for such lessons.

38. Despite how easy it may be to forget when he's not doing anything dangerous, Red IS Penguin Enemy Number One. You should not be encouraging his antics.

39. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question. Even if it's the truth.

40. Flying monkeys do not exist. You cannot conquer the world with them.

a). No, this is not a challenge for Q and Red to see who can create them first.

b). Whoever let them watch the Wizard of Oz is to report to my office.

41. You are to stop toppling dictatorial governments by giving incriminating photos of them to the people to incite riots.

a). You will stop using Photoshop to forge these photos.

42. NO ONE is allowed to prove Red is related to royalty. He doesn't care.

a). On a side note, NO ONE is allowed to mention the results to anyone. Red has agreed with me and will personally deal with the idiot who tries.

43. No one is allowed to talk would fast that no one can understand a word your saying. Especially if it's about something important.

44. You are to stop trying to out-argue Red. You're not going to win, only the Count can do that.


	3. 45-66

45. You are not allowed to burn down the Minister's home. On the other hand, if being Penguin Enemy Number One doesn't work out Red can always be a damn good lawyer. I still can't figure out how you managed to prove them innocent and pin it all on the Minister. Especially considering the video evidence of them doing it.

46. Red is forbidden to be his own lawyer. We would never get him convicted.

47. Red is to stop telling people to relax during high speed chases. Not everyone is as used to be shot at as you are.

48. The Commander is not your Mother and you are to referring to him as such.

49. You are to stop writing Red asking him to kill people who insulted you.

a). It doesn't matter if he doesn't mind, stop writing before he takes it seriously

b). I thought I already talked to you about encouraging his antics

50. Q is to stop walking around HeadQuarters in a bathrobe and slippers. Do that at your own home not HQ.

51. The Commander is not your Grandmother and you are to stop referring to him as such.

52. Red is never to bring his Arcorn Muffins to HeadQuarters again. They were delicious, yes, bit I'd rather bot deal with another riot for the last one.

52. Red is not allowed to blow things up for the hell of it.

a). You felt like it is not acceptable excuse either

53. Throwing Nigel a birthday party was nice thing to do, if it was his birthday.

54. Red is to stop hiding stolen goods in HeadQuarters. Hide them in your own base or stop stealing.

a). After hiding said goods in HeadQuarters, you are forbidden to sending anonymous tips to Scotland Yard about their current wasn't easy explaining why we had the stolen goods.

55. NO ONE is allowed to roam around naked.

56. No one has permission to help Red break into his Minster's home to fill it with chocolate pudding. Where did you get that much pudding anyway?

57. Red is not allowed to kill the person sent to wake him up.

a). Nor allowed to hire others to do it for him

b). No, you can't torture them

c). Nor can you ship them overseas in a two sized too small create

d). No. Maiming them either

58. Unless you are Nigel, Q, Rockgut or The Count do not attempt to wake up Red. This is for your own safety.

a). Red, you will be paying Mr. Karter's medical bills.

59. Red and Nigel are to stop flirting with people because they want to see Rockgut beat them half to death. I don't care if they deserve it.

60. I don't know how you done it it but whoever bolted my office to its ceiling is to come undo it, Immediately.

61. Red is to stop referring to MI6 HQ as:

a). The Physco Ward

b). The Nut House

c). The Asylum

d). The Mad Brits' Clubhouse

Red or Rockgut are allowed to negotiate peace treaties

63. Red is to stop prank calling other nations using my office phone. Especially Russia.

64. Red is to stop busting out into mad laughter at random times. You're beginning to unnerved peiple- more than you already do.

65. "Red does it" is not a good excuse for anything, if anything that is only further proof that you most likely shouldn't do it.

66. "Non Flamable" is not a challenge abd should not be taken as one.


End file.
